AGiraldiwrite

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

major review letter

I felt that on the whole your essay was too brief to make any lasting impression. The information that was provided was concise, but again it was hard to ascertain what the point of the essay was. I did like the use of narrative, and the fact that you give weight to Christina's opinions by letting the reader know about her job and the new troubles she has been facing.

This essay was mostly narrative, in fact it was entirely narrative with no scholarly sources incorporated or even alluded to. It is clear what your topic is, namely that children should be watching far less television and spending more time in their homes learning from their parents.

If you choose to keep this audience then this essay is a good attempt. The audience that you are trying to reach would be interested in these issues, but there is no scholarly or medical support for your claims, therefore they would most likely be unimpressed and their actions would not change. This essay is fairly engaging, as I do care what happens to Christina and her daughter, however, there is nothing that tells the reader that they could expect more of their story. It seems as though you have already told us everything that we can expect about Christina. There is little to recommend yourself. While you do a good job of convincing your audience that Christina is a credible witness to the detrimental effects of television on children, you give the audience no reason to trust you, and since you present Christina, it throws her credibility into speculation. All in all the essay has a strong opinion, but no support. To improve this essay it is clear that much more needs to be done; research needs to be incorporated and you yourself need to be painted as a worthy spokesman on this topic. What you have is good, but there is a clear need for improvement. The essay that you have as of now would function well as a simple introduction, not as a full paper.

Sincerely,


Ariel Giraldi

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